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WARNING: Some of these jokes will be offensive to some and humorous to others. Please review at your own risk.

 

New contributors are always welcome. Many of my regulars keep my emails full with their contributions.

When I get the time, I will imrove the accessibility of the joke collection along with videos and commercials. But, for the time being, 40 pages from the old site are listed here in one file.

(If anyone can recommend a good way to manage the accessibility of these jokes via a simple data base system, I'd love to get some advise).

 

 

A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite beautiful & during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly. About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone. "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, & we can take up where we left off." The plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

 


A trucker pulled into a truck stop & ordered a bowl of chicken noodle soup. When it arrived, he raised such a stink that the manager came over to see what was wrong. "There's a hair in my goddamn soup," said the trucker, pissed. "And I'm not going to pay for it." & he stormed out of the restaurant & into the whorehouse next door. Thoroughly mad himself, the manager followed the trucker, pushed aside the madam, & barged into an upstairs room where he saw the trucker busy eating out a whore. "You son of a bitch!" he screamed. "You run out on your check because your soup has one lousy hair in it, & look where your face is now!" "The trucker lifted up his head from between the bitch's goal posts, & said, "Yeah, & I'll tell you somethin' else, monkey-brain, if I find a noodle in here, I ain't payin' for that neither!"

 

 

Not a Bad idea . . . There is this couple celebrating their 20th anniversary. The husband decides to do something special for his wife. So he gets up early to make her breakfast in bed. When the wife wakes up, she is totally amazed. "Oh John, thank you so much. I didn't expect this!" The husband than tells her that he has another surprise, but for that she must wear a blindfold. So the woman is blindfolded & the man leads her the way. Twelve hours later John tells his wife to take off the blindfold. She takes it off & is totally stunned & very excited she shouts: "Oh John.... !!!! We are in Paris, aren't we ??!! This is the best gift you could ever give me! What can I expect when we have our 40th anniversary??!!" "Well that's quite simple, "John answers...... "That's when I come to pick you up again!"

 

 

The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation. Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he sent an email to his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife & your mistress." His friend was quick to email back: "Your wife & I arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?

 

 


For the next Quiz Night This Might Be Helpful

Did you know .........

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.

A shrimp's heart is in their head.

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit

Between 1937 & 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetic Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas

In average, a human being will spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Rats & horses can't vomit.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck & die.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for US citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, & no one knows why.

n the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects & 10 spiders.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

 

 

A salesman was in Dallas, Texas for the first time. He wandered into a bar & proceeded to down a pretty fair number of straight Jack Daniels in a couple of hours, becoming quite sloshed. Suddenly, he noticed Michael Jackson on a news program on the bar's TV. "There's the biggest horse's ass who ever walked on earth," he exclaimed. With that, the cowboy sitting next to him stood, punched him in the jaw, & sat back down on the bar stool. "Whew," said the salesman, climbing back up on his bar stool. "I better be careful what I say. I had no idea I was in Michael Jackson country." "You aren't in Michael Jackson country, you idiot," replied the bartender, "You're in HORSE country!"

 

 


Little Johnny's mother asked him, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?" "Because of an absence," he replied. "You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" she questioned. Little Johnny replied, "No, but the kid who usually sits next to me was."

 

 

An Oldie But A Cute One

There was a professor who was doing experiments with a frog. He was teaching a frog to jump. The training went on for a while & finally when he said, "Jump!" the frog would jump high in the air. He thought it was time to take some measurements & publish the results. He started his measurements with a twine, a ruler & a knife. He placed the frog on a wooden cutting plate & said, "jump." It jumped & he measured the height it jumped. He wrote in his observation note book: "Height jumped (with 4 legs): 14 inches. Inference: None." Then he cut one of the legs of the frog & said jump. It jumped to a height of 10 inches. Inference: None. Then he cut the next leg, & measured the height jumped. Because it had only 2 legs the height jumped was only 5 inches. Then he cut one more leg & the frog now had only one leg. The height jumped was just 1 inch with one leg. Again the inference was none. Then he cut the last leg of the frog & said, "jump!" It didn't move at all. He wrote his inference in the note book: "When all four legs are removed, frogs go deaf."

 

 


Words to Live By

Man who let woman on top is f@@king up

Man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet

Schoolboy who mess around with school girl during wrong period get caught red-handed

A girls best asset is her lie ability

Man who take woman on camping trip have one intent.

He who sniffs coke drowns.

Man who eat pussy do lip service.

Woman who wears padded bra, makes mountains out of molehills.

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left

Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night

Man who date flat-chested girl have good reason to feel low-down

Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock

 

 

Sheepshaggers

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Welsh farmer. "So, Welsh farmer, how do you shag your sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep & put them down my wellie boot & take the front legs of the sheep & put them over a wall." "That's very interesting," replies the researcher & he leaves the Welsh farmer. Then he meets an Australian farmer. "So, Aussie farmer, how do you shag your sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep & put them down my wellie boots & take the front legs of the sheep & put them over a wall." "That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it in Wales too." & he leaves the Australian farmer. Then he meets a farmer from New Zealand. "So, Kiwi farmer, how do you shag your sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep & put them down my wellie boots & take the front legs of the sheep & put them over my shoulders." "Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?" "What?" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing?!"

 

 

Tis better to have loved a short woman ..than never to have loved a tall.

 

 


If you love something, set it free. If it returns, you haven't lost it. If it disappears & never comes back, then it wasn't truly yours to begin with. And if it just sits there watching television, unaware that it's been set free, you probably married it.

 

 

One For The Ladies

The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist"

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K., you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman & ask her, "What are you?'" She replies: "I'm a W.I.F.E., you know... Wash, Iron, Fetch, Etc."

A second gal answers their question before they even ask it: "B.I.T.C.H." What exactly is a BITCH?!? they ask in unison. "Babe In Total Control of Herself."

So ladies, next time somebody calls you a "Bitch" SMILE... & say "Thank You!!"

 

 

A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants or underwear on?" he asked. The old man slowly looked at him & said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on & I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.

 

 


A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university. "Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend." "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic & pleasurable experience." "Well, yes & no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."

 

 

Can't Live With 'em,. Can't Shoot 'em

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you don't, you are not a man.

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you don't, you are good for nothing.

If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp. If you don't, you are not understanding

If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy If you don't, you are a dull boy

If you are jealous, she says it's bad If you don't, she thinks you do not love her

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait If she is late, she says that's a girl's way

If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time" If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage

If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring

If you talk, she wants you to listen If you listen, she wants you to talk

In short: So simple, yet so complex So weak, yet so powerful So confusing, yet so desirable So damning, yet so wonderful... .....WOMEN!

 

 

Two paedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacy knickers on the ground. The first one picks them up, smells them & goes, "Aahhh... A seven-year-old girl." The other grabs them from him & also takes a smell & goes, "No, no ... Definitely an eight-year-old girl!" The two of them are them smelling them in turns & arguing. "An eight-year-old!", "No, a seven-year-old!", "Definitely an eight-year-old!" .... & so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue & can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The first paedophile tells the priest, & asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, & after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men & says: "Definitely an eight-year-old girl! ......... but not from my parish!"

 

 

Look Out, There's An Oldie About Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace & the Queen Mum arrive at the Pearly gates, St Peter explains that only one can get through & that they each have to put forward their case for entry. Freddie says, "I know I haven't led a perfect life & I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, & serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be" "Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, what about you Gianni?" Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I will completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherub to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good & that will make heaven a much happier place" "Not bad" says St Peter. What about you Queen Mum?" The Queen Mum does not say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt & pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her fa*ny, lets the water shoot up inside her & then gush out all over the floor. "Excellent, you're in" says St Peter "Hold on a f*cking minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything" Fred you know the rules," says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens..."

 

 

Help Desk Humour Support:

"Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours." Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button." Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?" Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."

 

 

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over with a sigh, & asked, "What's the problem, pal?" "My brother just told me there's a sperm bank in his neighbourhood that pays $40 for a donation." "Yeah, so?" "Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!"

 

 

alking of Oldies

A blonde teenage girl comes home from school & asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me... babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?" "Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up, & she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then when I have a baby," responded the blonde teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"

 

 


A doctor is walking out the door to go to his office. He says to his wife, "You're a rotten mother, a crummy wife, & a lousy lay." At seven o'clock he walks back into the house at the end of the day only to find his wife screwing a stranger on the living room rug. He says, "What the hell are you doing????" She says, "Getting a second opinion!"

 

 

Sign Recently Observed At A Business Establishment In Philadelphia, PA:

WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 ARAB TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE JEW

This sign was prominently displayed in the front window of a business in Philadelphia. Most folks would be outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would expect anti-hate groups from all across the country to march on this business & that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. You must be asking, what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

The answer: Goldberg's Funeral Home

 

 


Puns Of The Weak

They tried to keep a locksmith in prison, but the nut bolted.

The marijuana legislation was passed by a joint resolution.

When the human cannonball was late for work he got fired

A ham walked out of the hospital & said "I'm cured".

Why are most archaeologists failures? Because their careers lie in ruins

An ordinance was proposed to prohibit all dogs in the community from expressing affection or pleasure in a certain way. For some reason it was passed unanimously without any debate. You might say that the members of the town council were just doing what? Jumping on the banned waggin'

What is the correct term to describe a mail carrier after he has had a sex-change operation? Post man

What do you get if you cross a rabbit with a sprinkler? Hare Spray

Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist? After a month they were fighting tooth & nail.

 

 


At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, oversexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband. It was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together. At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart & screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"

 

 


An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties & is contemplating a proposal. "Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend. "Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

 

 

 


Dyslexia Rules, KO?

What about the dyslexic man who sold his soul to Santa.

Or the Dyslexic bank robber who held up the bank with a gnu

 

 

Quickies

Half of the people in the world are below average

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground & miss

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool? A Clever Dick

 

 


The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy. Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, Well, I hope you'll love the third one just as if it's your own...

 

 


The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father & said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me?, sympathy?"

 

 


This is a transcript between a commuter and the railroad company, regarding services of the latter.

"Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last twenty-two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse that that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, A Commuter"

The Reply to the above: "Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, Western Railways"

And the Counter-Reply was: "Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass... That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last twenty-two years! Yours truly, A Commuter"

 

 

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. 'Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o'those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, 'Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test.' Indignantly, the man said, 'Why? Don't ye believe me?!?'

 

 

Some Quickies Q.

Why do women call it PMS?

A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?

A. About three inches.

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

A. Well-hung.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?

A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 lbs.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A. They don't have balls to scratch.

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. What's the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest?

A. Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until around 13 or 14 years of age.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

A. Marry it!

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest tits?

A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. How do you piss off a female archaeologist??

A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

Answer phone message "

....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key....

" DEA Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of Viagra was stolen. Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

And finally (Hope you haven't just eaten). . . Q. Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?

A. Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

 

 

Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex

‡ When you request sex, she replies,"Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."

‡ Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your butt.

‡ Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

‡ Only moans during commercial breaks.

‡ Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.

‡ Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.

‡ You find yourself sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer show.

‡ You begin to suspect she is only "playing" dead.

‡ Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a WAV file.

‡ Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

‡ Keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

‡ Holds up a picture of the Playboy centrefold to hurry you along.

‡ Asks to be on top so she can balance her chequebook more easily.

‡ She yells out her own name.

 


Thought for the day:

Marrying a woman for her beauty is like buying a house for its paint.

 

 


A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replied "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, " But we've never subscribed to any papers!"

 

 


What do you call 100 white men with clubs chasing a black man? The US PGA Tour

 

 

A six-year-old boy called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room. "But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."

 

 


Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that? The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready." Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick. The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true." The passenger says, "Huh?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that mother fucker would've tried that shit with me!'"

 

 

When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, turn in your receipt and I will give you back your penis." After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet." "Damn!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?" "Look!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"

 

 

Some Updated Tommy Cooper Gags

‡ My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

‡ What's the difference between roast beef & pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

‡ man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, 1 can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

‡ A man walks into a pub, & notices Vincent Van Gough is standing at the bar. "Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks. "No, thanks," replies the artist. "I've got one 'ere."

‡ I went to a seafood disco last week .... & pulled a mussel.

‡ A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... 1 have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

‡ A brain & a jump lead go into a pub & order some drinks. The barman says "I'm not serving you two!" "Why?" asked the brain. The barman replies, "Because you are out of your skull & he is bound to start something."

‡ What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner? The cold shoulder.

‡ A woman arrives at a bank with a £50 note stuck in each ear, & asks to see the manager. The cashier steps through to the manager's office: "There's a woman to see you, she's £100 in arrears."

‡ Our local chemist was robbed last week & a quantity of Viagra was stolen. Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

‡ Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds & thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

‡ A man sees a one-legged mate he hasn't seen for ages at the bus stop & say..... 'How you getting on'

 

 


A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

 

 

Do it Yourself Operations

‡ In 1994, postman Jean Cellise of Toulouse, France, bled to death after he cut himself open to check if his doctors had removed his appendix properly !!!!

‡ Forty-three-year old Miguel Arroya of Barcelona, Spain chopped both his ears off with a butcher's knife in 1994 so that he would not have to listen to his nagging mother- in - law. To his misfortune, he discovered almost immediately that he could still hear !!

 

 


Time For An Oldie Prayer For Women:

Lord, before I lay me down to sleep I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who's willy's thick and long. One who thinks before he speaks. When promises to call, he won't wait weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed. And when I spend his cash, wont be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! send me a man who will make love to my mind. Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?" One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin, In the hall, the bed, the garden and kitchen! I pray that this man will love me no end, And never attempts to shag my best friend. Amen.

Prayer For Men: Lord, I pray for a woman with big boobs. Amen.

 

 


Penis Study In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180, 000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250, 000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Canada, unsatisfied with these findings, concluded their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that the large head of the penis was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

 

 


Another Oldie,

Believe It Or Not A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastid. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff". He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his ****, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first.

 

 

A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way, pal. I don't think you can pay for it." "You're right, " the guy says, "I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before will you give me a drink?" "You have a deal my friend," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar, it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gerswhin. "You're right I haven't heard anything like that before," says the bartender. "The hamster is really gifted." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?" asks the bartender. "Watch this," replies the guy. Again, he reaches into his coat and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. "It's a deal," says the guy. He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. "Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is a ventriloquist."

 

 


Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, " Hey DeBakey... Is dat you ? Come over here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, " So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work ? " DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris,....."Try doing your work with the engine running. "

 

 


A woman, completely fed up with her husband's AOL obsession finally takes matters into her own hands. One night as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor. She pulls open the jacket and yells, 'Time for Super Sex!' He ignores her. So, she repeatedly yells, 'Super Sex! Super Sex! Super Sex!' Finally he replies, (all together now) 'Okay, I'll take the soup"

 

 

 

How To Translate A Woman's Description Dictionary For Women's Personal Ads

40-ish......................... 49

Adventurous.....................Slept with all your mates

Athletic.........................No tits

Average looking............ugly

Beautiful.......................Pathological liar

Contagious Smile..........Does a lot of pills

Educated......................Was fxxxed to bits at college

Emotionally Secure........On medication

Feminist.........................Fat

Free spirit......................Junkie

Friendship first...............Former Sl*t/born again virgin

Fun...............................Annoying

Gentle...........................Dull

Good Listener...............Autistic

New-Age......................Body hair problems

Old-fashioned................No BJs or anal

Open-minded.................Desperate

Outgoing........................Loud & Embarrassing

Passionate......................Sloppy drunk

Poet...............................Depressive

Professional............... ...B*tch

Romantic.......................Fr*gid

Social............................Pus*y like a clowns pocket

Voluptuous....................Very Fat

Large lady.....................Hugely Fat

Wants Soulmate.............Stalker

Widow...........................Murderer

 

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