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> * I just got back from a pleasure trip.
> I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
> * I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years!
> * If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
> * What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making
> love? "Honey, I'm home!"
> * We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
> * My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding
> night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
> * My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
> My wife called it the Dead Sea .
> * She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
> estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
> Then the mud fell off.
> * The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his
> bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
> * The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came
> back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
> * Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See!
> What did I tell you?"
> * Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
> * A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been
> brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
> * Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
> The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like
> Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that
> Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
> There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
> In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates
> from medical school.
> Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
> A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
> .
> Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
> A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
> A man called his mother in Florida ,
> "Mom, how are you?"
> "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
> The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't
> eaten in 38 days."
> The son said, "That's terrible.
> Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
> The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled
> with food if you should call."
> A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a
> part in the play. She asks,
> "What part is it?"
> The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
> "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want
> a speaking part."
> Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
> A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a
> nuisance to anybody."
> Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the
> street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
> "Force yourself," she replied.
> Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
> A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
> Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
> A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20% off.

Priest's Retirement Dinner

Retirement Dinner

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the
parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen
to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words
while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard
here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first
person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set
and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He
had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an
affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not
all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and
loving people.'...

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and
gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the
politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to
him for confession.'

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a
bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I
she's 21 and her name's Lucy

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's
group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face

I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo
and other names
at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our
10th anniversary.

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple
of Swan Vesta's,
his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your
bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's
voice from the kitchen,
'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a
small white patch,
so I've named him Birmingham .

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me
out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead
Beatle for the last thirty years.

The Italian VirginityTest

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell
ifhis Bride-to-be is still a Virgin.

His doctor says ... "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for
what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit
~~~ a small can of Red paint, a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel."

Mario asks .... "And what do I do with these things, doc?"

The doctor replies .... "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night,you
paint one of your balls Redand the other ball Blue.

If she says ... 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!', hit her with the Shovel.


During a visit to the seniors home, I asked the director how do you
determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because
it's bigger than the spoon or the

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug; do you want a
bed near the window?"

Gerald was in a mental health hospital.

Every year on his birthday he would march to the entrance in the attempt to

Each year the security man would ask him why he was pulling a piece of
string with a tooth brush on it.

Every time Gerald said it's my dog Harry.

At which the man would be returned to his bed.

Finally one year Gerald got to the entrance.

The security man asked what he was pulling on the end of a piece of string.

Gerald said it's my tooth brush.

He was allowed to leave - as he walked down the road he turned around and
said "We fooled them Harry".

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so
the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem:

The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the
magician did each trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the
middle of the show:

"Not the same hat!"

"Flowers are under the table."

"All the cards are the ace of spades"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the
captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank in a storm.

The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with,
as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on
for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:

"OK, I give up. Where's the f*****g ship?"

The Liverpool manager, Rafael Benitez, flies to Baghdad to watch a young
Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over
to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Manchester United with only 20
minutes left to play. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and
on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for
Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted
and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his
first day in English football.

"Hello mum, guess what?" he says "I played for 20 minutes today, and we were
4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won! Everybody loves me, the fans, the media,
they all love me!"

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got
shot in the street and robbed; your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped
and beaten; your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you were
having such a great time playing football!"

The young lad is very upset.. "What can I say mum, but I am so sorry."

"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' shrieks his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to
Liverpool in the first Place."

Mick and Paddy are looking around a churchyard. "Over here by the wall Mick,
there's a bloke who's died aged 152" says Paddy.

"What's his name?" asks Mick.

"Miles from London" says Paddy..............

I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director
to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or
friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky
back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and,
being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour
late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere
in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt
badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the
grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know
what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out
my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing
Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my
head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard
one of the workers say,
"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years."
Rachel, Clare and Samantha hadn't seen each other since Secondary School.
They rediscovered each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for
lunch in a wine bar.
Rachel arrived first, wearing camel Versace. She ordered a bottle of chilled
Clare arrived shortly afterwards, in grey Chanel. After the required
ritualized kisses she joined Rachel in a glass of Chablis.
Then Sam walked in, wearing a faded old Barbour, jeans and Wellington boots.
She too shares the wine.
Rachel explained that after leaving school and graduating from Oxford in
Classics she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful
daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They
live in a 4000 sq. ft house in North London, where Susanna, their daughter,
attends drama school. They have a second home in the hills above Monte
Clare graduated from King's College and became a Consultant Gynaecologist.
Her husband, Clive, is a leading A&E Consultant. They live in Dulwich and
have a second home in Florida.
Sam explained that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend,
Ben. They run a tropical bird park in Norfolk and grow their own vegetables.
Ben can stand four parrots side by side on his willy.
Half way down the third bottle of Chablis, several hours later, Rachel
blurted out the her husband isn't Timothy, he's Tom and he's a clerk for
Islington Council. They live in a terraced house in Muswell Hill, keep a
caravan in France and Susan is a junior member of the local Amdram society.
Clare, chastened and encouraged by the honesty of her old friends, confessed
that she and Clive are nurses in King's College. They live in Herne Hill and
have a timeshare in Orlando.

Samantha said that the fourth parrot had to stand on one leg.
A professor at the Harvard University was giving a lecture on Paranormal
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you
think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here
ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you
ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been
giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make
his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell
us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "Sh*t, from back there I thought you said "Goats."
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to
Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in
love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well
Bruce, you are only 10 . Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In
Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a
week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month,so that
should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one
more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little
children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a
sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
' Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! ' he called into the cave and listened closely
until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all
about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what? '
The Indian replied ' No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian
men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! ' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it
means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the
cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! '
Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! ' from deep
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
spied a third large cave.
As he looked at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man!
Look at the size of this cave! It's bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave! '
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo! '
Like the others, he then heard an answering call, ' WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,
tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................


As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to
"make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our
hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other
"seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges
that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:



"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background
and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine, and whiskey
into urine.
It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling.
I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.' ...

Clean can be funny.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'





Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.



A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters


'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'



Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.



A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'


Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

> "Costco stocking their meat counters with "Halal" meat."
> I shopped for groceries at my local Wal-Mart. As usual, I bought a bag of
> frozen chicken breasts, but this time I checked to make sure the meat was not
> labeled "Halal." Here's why:
> Halal is the Islamic term that basically means the meat is lawful to eat for
> a devout Muslim. What makes it lawful or acceptable is that the meat has been
> processed in a very specific way. Unlike kosher food, where the physical
> processing of the meat is the focus, for Islam it is the spiritual component
> that makes the meat lawful.
> For lawful (halal) meat in Islam, the animal must be killed while the butcher
> faces Mecca , and either the butcher cries "Allah Akbar" or a tape plays the
> words over a loud speaker.
> Ann Barnhardt is a cattle commodities broker, has more about "Halal."
> NEVER buy meat that is marked as "Halal."
> I am in the cattle business, and believe me when I tell you that Halal kill
> plants are CONSTANTLY being cited and shut down by the USDA for horrific
> infractions. Most of these plants are in Michigan and upstate New York ..
> One of the things that halal kill plants are notorious for is putting
> already-dead animals in the human consumption line. They will go pick up a
> dead cow off of a farm or ranch and instead of putting it in their rendering
> tank where the resulting "tankage" is worth pennies on the dollar as pet food
> or industrial products, they will shackle the dead animal on the normal kill
> line and process it as human food which is the highest-dollar product.
> Since Islam teaches dishonesty (taqiyyah) and no regard for one's neighbor,
> this kind of sickening behavior is standard.
> Halal plants are also notorious for general citations for filth and
> uncleanliness. I have toured normal cattle slaughter plants, and guys, you
> could eat off of the floor. Everything is white and men walk around with
> water hoses and steam guns constantly keeping everything in a state of
> spotlessness.
> Halal plants are filthy. A lot of Halal meat is also labeled as "organic."
> Again, don't be fooled into thinking that "halal" means "better." It isn't. I
> would never, ever knowingly eat halal meat purely from a food safety
> perspective.

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into money.
Last night I shagged a girl called Penny - how spooky is that !!

On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of

your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I Will
give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do
tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span
of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and
enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the
ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as
a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

>The cremated husband
>Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
>Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
>Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
>"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
>She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
>"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
>Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
>"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
>Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"
>"Well, here it comes..."


3 virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period. Mum was a bit
worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to
send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions
of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said
nothing but: “Nescafe”. Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the
Nescafe jar. It said: “Good till the last drop”. Mum blushed, but was pleased for
her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and
the card read: “Rothmans”. Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes to read from the pack: “Extra Long. King Size”. She was again
slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand . Mum waited
for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed;
still nothing.. A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand,
“Air New Zealand “..

Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst,
and finally found an advertisement for Air New Zealand which read ...

'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

An Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the
surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so
the call went out.

Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly
donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery the Arab sent the Scot, as appreciation for giving his
blood, a new BMW, diamonds & 10,000 US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective
His doctor telephoned the Scot who was more than happy to donate his blood
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scot a thank-you card & a box of
Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture
as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that
you would give me
a BMW, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of
Quality Street ."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma

Maybe HE should run for the Big Office!!


The Plan!

Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says 'I love New York ' in

Description: F825CFF8100F4A6A8E5F60ACDD32E626@PatPC

You gotta love Robin Williams........ Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin
Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN
Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.

Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)

'I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for
peace. So, here's one plan.'

1) The US, UK, CANADA and AUSTRALIA will apologize to the world for our
'interference' in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler,
Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of
those 'good 'ole' boys', we will never 'interfere' again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with
Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't
want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed
sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and
leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will
be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they
are from. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days
unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be
allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide
here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more
cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign 'students' over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If
they don't attend classes, they get a 'D' and it's back home baby.

6) The US, UK, CANADA and AUSTRALIA will make a strong effort to
become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing
non-polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of
oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.


7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for
their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go
somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling
up the storage sites would be enough.)


8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we
will not 'interfere..' They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds,
rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is
stolen or given to the army.. The people who need it most get very little,
if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need
the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make
a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one
can call us 'Ugly Americans' any longer. The Language we speak is
ENGLISH... learn it... or LEAVE. Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your tired, your poor,
your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want
a piece of me?'


A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales
representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've
graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and
your experience is unparalleled.
Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales
representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your
constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry...we can't
hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all
sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured
condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it
open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a
respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over
the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and
asked for aspirin?"


25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary.
It means 75% are running around untreated.

>>>>>>> "Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind,
>>>>>>> only to completely forget what that purpose was?
>>>>>>> Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory
>>>>>>> lapses.
>>>>>>> Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that
>>>>>>> passing through
>>>>>>> a doorway triggers what's known as an event boundary in the mind,
>>>>>>> separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next.
>>>>>>> Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room
>>>>>>> and prepares a blank slate for the new locale."
>>>>>>> It's not aging, it's the damn door ! Whew!
>>>>>>> Thank goodness for studies :-)

Subject: "Fifty Shades of Grey Hair"


The missus bought a Paperback
down Brixham, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
T'was "fifty shades of grey"!

Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and.
Said.. I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Doris,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ..
I thought what the hell,
Stepped forward,
and stood on her left tit!

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,..
Turned "fifty shades of Grey".



A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.


He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate
would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike
up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"


She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."


He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"


"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from
my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained,"one popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.


Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also
discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the
Southern Redneck."


Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I am
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with
you.. I don't even know your name."


"Tonto ," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."***

He left home around 8:30 to play golf with his friends. On the way out the door, he answered his wife’s “What time will you be home?” question with “Probably around 1:30 – I’ll have lunch at the club.”
1:30 came and went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home, finally at about 7:00 PM he rolls in the driveway, leaves his clubs in the garage, and presents his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story. "We finished our game about 11:30, had lunch and I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands. She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer. She said there's a tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom, you can clean up a bit. I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good companion to spend time with. Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door having sex. And that is why I am so late getting home."
His wife looked him right in the eye and said "Don't bullshit me -- you played 36 holes, didn't you?”




A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to

the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will

be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and

pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man

says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."




The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."


Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"

asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and

a salad," says the man.


"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."


Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and

places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,

sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change

in your pocket every time?"


"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and

found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered

me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,

I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money

would always be there."


"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a

million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want

for as long as you live!"


"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact

money is always there," says the man.


The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"


The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick

with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."


The Dot


For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.


On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical advice.



Only in India



Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory:


On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Harry Reid:


Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.


In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks!


This is what they truly call POLITICAL SPIN.

Very Politically Incorrect Quickies

















A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi got together two or three
times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment
that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would
be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an
experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to
it, and attempt to convert it to their religion. Seven days later, they all
came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went
into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to
him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and
began to slap me around. I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and,
Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming
out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both
legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory,
he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I
went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from
God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD
of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and
DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED
his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in
a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors
running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up
and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not have been the best
way to start."
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a
German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan),
an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a
Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a
Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a
Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a
Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech,
an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an
Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a
Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a
Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a
Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an
Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin
Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a
Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a
Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican,
a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean,
an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 South Africans,
……………walk into a fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.
"You can't come in here without a Thai. "
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked
about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm
doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the
shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the
barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community
service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning
when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen
doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the
barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community
service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next
morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up
waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other
for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time
to get married.
Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living
arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively-
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses and leaned
over towards her and whispered
'Is that one word or two?'
The grandkids went to visit their grandparents one night. There was grandpa
sitting on the front porch in his easy chair with no pants on. Kids said,
"Grandpa, what is wrong? You are sitting here naked from the waist down."
Grandpa said nothing, just turned his head in another direction. "Grandpa,"
kids tried again, "why are you sitting there with no pants on?" Grandpa
turned to face the kids. Slowly he explained, "Last week, I sat on the porch
right here in this same chair with no shirt on. Sat for about an hour. Got a
stiff neck....this was your grandma's idea."

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water,
he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling
regimental ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to
buy a tie instead? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I need water! I should kill you,
but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a
tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and
that I am a better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to
the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all
the ice cold water you need Inshallah."
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped
... "They won't let me in without a f-----g tie.”
Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.
Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.
With a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String and bonks her
He stands back and tells Elton, "Your turn!"
Elton bursts into tears.
"What's up?" asks Robbie.
Elton sobs: "My head won't fit through the railings!!
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading
when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND:(makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND : "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "s**t."
A motor mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3
when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take
a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc,
want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was
working on the BMW.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc,
look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or
replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I
finished, it worked just like new.
So how is that I make £20,000 a year and you make £500,000 when you and I
are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the
"Try doing it with the engine running."
I received an email today from a young, attractive Russian girl who wants me
to fly her over to the UK so that we can get married. I'm not falling for
that one though.
She's just after the money I won yesterday on the Nigerian Lottery.
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness. One afternoon, the
pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister noticed a cute
glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the
water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park
a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would
prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'




And finally the joke of the day

Life is like a penis ---

simple, relaxed and hanging freely.
It's women who make it hard !!!