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JOKE GALLERY 6:

 

 

 

 

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome
with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're
crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called
Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked
her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of
Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up
to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome
28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra
charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you
didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room
and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook
my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who the @*&£^$!* did your hair?"
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One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his
shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the
forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched
with interest the old priest step onto the track.. Sure enough, as the 5th
race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the
forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the
horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had
blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the
priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won.

Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing
long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last
race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick
dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing
that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last
race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the
day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of
the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old
nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch,
in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest
was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last
race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've
lost every cent of
my savings - all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's
the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a
simple blessing and last rites.'

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years,
but he will kill any man who does.
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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
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The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among
themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
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An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an
Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
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Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.
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Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and
announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
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Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
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Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the
vase on the mantlepiece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
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Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
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Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in
the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home .
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Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said. "Send an
ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
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"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your
wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
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Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their
honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
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My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life
and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights
of theirs?
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At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages..

What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every
now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on
he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over
after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on,
"What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

 

The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he
occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened
to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture
of the Holy seed flying through the air.

'Hold on a minute!', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the
reputation of the Church!'

'This is my lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure
for life with these photos!'

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much
negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, 'That
looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?'

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied,'... two million dollars...'

'TWO MILLION DOLLARS!' replied the housekeeper. 'They must have seen you
coming!'

 

A husband says to his wife,
"What would you do if I won the Lottery?"

She says,
"I'd take half then leave you."

"Excellent," he replies,
"I won 12 quid, here's £6 - now bugger off!"

 

Only in Britain!
complaints to councils

Extracts from letters written to local councils:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and
fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just
plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and
not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at
6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third,
so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
wife.

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still
have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get
BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
take it anymore.

 

These should bring a smile to your face.

Little Johnny's at it again...... A new teacher was trying to make use of
her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who
thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood
up.. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No,
ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on
her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself
beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a
tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'
Little Johnny quickly replied, 'ABC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Little Johnny asked, " Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? " (this is my favorite)

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the washing machine repair guy wants to buy Mom ..'

Sperm Count

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried,
we still couldn't get the jar open."

 

Worms Church Sermon!

For those of you who missed church on Sunday, here is a recap! Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

 

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol- Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation

What did you learn from this demonstration???

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service

 

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you
know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass
a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes
let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is
Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is
true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are
about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still
pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of
Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to
me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor
Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a
great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

 

 

All Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in
a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during
sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a
climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there
was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a
clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father
would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. This
would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel
over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the
young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel
over them as the vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the
Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex
with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting
climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When It was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a
boastful voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya wave a towel!'

 

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bedÂ

was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw anÂ

envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.Â

It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened theÂ

envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

 

 

 

'Dear, Mum.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to

elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene

with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I

knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos,

her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the

woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really

hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with

the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,

so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your

many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Nicholas.

"P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than

the school report that's on my desk"

 

 

I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.