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JOKE GALLERY 5:

WARNING: Some of these jokes will be offensive to some and humorous to others. Please review at your own risk.

 

 

 

Irish Virginity Test Kit
Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself... Virginity Test Kit .... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint, and a shovel."
Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, Paddy, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.
If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen", you hit her with the shovel.'

 

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an
attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents
the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose "Carmen.
"What's your name?"

He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

 

My wife was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly,
'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going
to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all;
right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt
still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer is broken.'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
---
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry
sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We
didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know
when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she
stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty
cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband
'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate
each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in
the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located
in the same building, next door to the vet.
The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the
doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my
husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's
pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells
like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who
the father is!' Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
------------------------------------------------
A guy fell asleep on the beach for Several hours and got horrible sunburn,
specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed
with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in ,
the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for
him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep
the sheets off his legs.'
--------------------------------------------
Stress management.
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a
crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of
serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of
the person you are holding underwater.

There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already.
--------------------------------------------------------------

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied
--------------------------------
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of
whisky. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over
fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going
on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man
replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles,
and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"
------------------------------------------
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws''
---------------------------------------------------
Happily Ever After - for the guys
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said,
'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went
fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had
tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he
wanted.
The End.

 

Special Sandals;

A married couple walked in to a sandal shop in Kingston Jamaica.

The Jamaican said to them, 'I have some special sandals I think you
would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.' Well, the wife was
really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but
her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Man. '
So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried
them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye,
the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the
Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got dem on the wrong feet!

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started...
------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife,
'Where do you want to go for our anniversary? '
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!'she said.
So I suggested,'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started...
------------------------------------------------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed.
I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,'she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said,'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...
------------------------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please...'
He said,'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started...
------------------------------------------------
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked,'What's on TV?'
I said,'Dust.'

And then the fight started...
------------------------------------------------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said,'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
seconds.'
I suggested a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...
------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table.
I asked her,'Do you know him?'
'Yes,'she sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since .'
'My God!'I said,
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
------------------------------------------------
I rear-ended a car this morning... So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said,'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...
------------------------------------------------
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care
of first, the truck, the car, playing golf, always something more important
to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home
one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
>> The waitress asks them for their orders.
>>
>> The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the
>> ostrich, 'What's yours?'
>>
>> 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
>>
>> A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will
>> be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out
>> the exact changefor payment.
>>
>> The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
>> 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
>>
>> The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
>>
>> Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
>>
>> This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks
>> the waitress.
>>
>> 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
>> a salad,' says the man.
>>
>> 'Same,' says the ostrich.
>>
>> Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be
>> $32.62.'
>>
>> Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
>> places it on the table.
>>
>> The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me,
>> sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in
>> your pocket every time?'
>>
>> 'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic
>> and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and
>> offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay
>> for anything, I would just put myhand in my pocket and the right
>> amount of money would always be there.'
>>
>> 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a
>> million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
>> want for as long as you live!'
>>
>> 'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
>> exact money is always there,' says the man..
>>
>> The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
>>
>> The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall
>> chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I
>> say.'

 

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy felt she
had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb
that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12
year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt
this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity
too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem..
My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that
once we are married.'
She said, 'Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size
winky.'
Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb
whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing,
and holding one another.. As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began
to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was
wrong.
She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'

'Yes, it is .... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long.'

 


At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the
caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is
dead'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die
from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a
candle?? !!'

'Yes, Senor Rod.'

'But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought
she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylormade R580 XD golf club.'

SILENCE . . .. . .. . .. . .. LONG SILENCE . . . .. . . . ..

'Ernesto, if you broke that fu**in driver, you're in deep shit

Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see.
>>> Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the
>>> Star Spangled Banner.
>>> Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without
>>> embarrassment.
>>> They know the words and believe in them.
>>>
>>> Old Farts remember World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal , Normandy and
>>> Hitler.
>>> They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and
>>> the Moon Landing.
>>> They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to
>>> mention Vietnam .
>>>
>>> If you bump into an Old Fart on the sidewalk he will apologize.
>>> If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a
>>> lady.
>>> Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.
>>>
>>> Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking,
>>> make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
>>>
>>> Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and
>>> children
>>> and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.
>>>
>>> Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity.
>>> They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren.
>>>
>>> It's the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by
>>> politicians,
>>> but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.
>>>
>>> This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of
>>> responsibility, pride in their country and decent values..
>>>
>>> We need them now more than ever.
>>>
>>> Thank God for Old Farts!
>>>
>>> Pass this on to all the Old Farts you know.
>>>
>>> I was taught to respect my elders. It's just getting harder to find them.