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JOKE GALLERY 4:

 

WARNING: Some of these jokes will be offensive to some and humorous to others. Please review at your own risk.

 

 

 

 

A woman hails a cab in NYC, jumps in & says to the cabbie. "T.G.I.F." The cabbie just shrugs his shoulders & says, "Huh?" She repeats, "T.G.I.F." The cabbie thinks about that for a moment & says, "S.H.I.T." Not understanding, she inquires about the meaning of the acronym. The cabbie responds, "Sorry Honey, It's Thursday!"

 

 

An Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman went for a round of golf & their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, & landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over & angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices." The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket & said, "Here's a ten spot. Go to Mark's & Spencer's & get some knickers." Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up & landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid & he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments." With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket & said, "Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's & get some knickers." Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up & landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance. The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket & said, "Here's a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit."

 

 


A couple were spending their first night together as a married couple in the honeymoon suite of a posh hotel. The guy was in the bathroom having a wash when his wife called to him "Do you know what I want ?". He popped his head round the door only to see his wife lying stark naked on the bed. "No", he said. So she opened her legs & called out again "Do you know what I want ?". "No", he said again. So she opened her legs a little further & called "Now do you know what I want ?". Once again, he replied "No". Finally, she opened her legs as wide as she possibly could & shouted "DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT NOW ?". & the guy said "All the bl**dy bed by the looks of things !!!".

 


An Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman go into a pub. They all suffer from a severe stutter. "What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady. "Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi.................." says the Englishman. Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui gui................." Then the Scotsman tries."Th th th thth th th th th th th th th.................." "Oh bugger this!" says the beautiful landlady & walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later & asks if they are ready to order yet. "Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman. "Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy. & then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th...........". "Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet, "If any one of you can answer a question without stuttering I'll let you shag me!" Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman. "Where do you live?" "M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch." "No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?", trying not to laugh. E E E E E EEd Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb." "Sorry, you lose." says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman. "London" blurts out the Irishman. "Oh. Bugger!" says the landlady. A great cheer goes up in the pub & the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand & leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom. Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed. Paddy with concentration climbs aboard & goes for glory, & then, right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams out ........(Wait for it, wait for it)"...............- D D D D D Derry!!!"

 

 


Warning -- This Is Seriously Sick!

A tramp walks into a bar & approaches the barman. He asks- "Have you got any cocktail sticks here, mate?" to which the barman, looking puzzled, scratches his head & hands one over "sure.... there you go..." The tramp then walks off.. 5 minutes later, another tramp walks in.. "you haven't got any cocktail sticks here have you?" the barman pauses, looks at the tramp & gets out from behind the bar.. "there ya' are.." He then watches as the tramp scuttles out of the pub.. About 10 minutes later, yet another tramp walks in & approaches the barman.. "I don't suppose you could get me a straw could you please?" he asks.. The barman is having none of it, & snaps "Look, what the fuck is the deal with you tramps coming in here & freeloading all my stuff off me?" To which the tramp retorts "c'mon, mate.. someone's just been sick outside & all the best bits are gone!"

 

 

Sad But Maybe True

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledgehammer in 95-degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only o find him smiling & singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat & hard labour were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Phalaborwa. The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, & found him still happy to be sweating & straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Phalaborwa. At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, the man was instead singing louder than ever, twirling the sledgehammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why he was so happy, the man answered, "Cold day in hell, the Springboks must have won a Game!"

 

Variation On An Oldie

"Hello?" "Hi, honey, this is Daddy, Is your Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank," After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Oh Yes, I do, & he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now!" "Uh, Okay, then......here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs & knock on the bedroom door & shout to Mommy & Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" he asks. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on & ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug & went flying out the front window & now she's all dead." "Oh my God ! & what about your Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too & he was all scared & he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool.....but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool & now he's all real dead too." ***long pause*** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? ..................Is this 208529316

 

 

Talking Of Oldies A Mancunian was sitting with a Scouser & a Geordie in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden, Saudi police entered & arrested them. They were initially sentenced to death but they contested this & were finally imprisoned for life. But, as it was a national holiday, the Sheikh decided they should be released after receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, & she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." So the Geordie boy thought for a while & then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Scouser, watching the scene, said: "Please tie two pillows to my back". But even two pillows could only take 10 lashes before the whip went through again. Before the Mancunian could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him & said: "As you are from the most popular city (?), & you are superior to your friends, you can have two wishes!". Thank you, Most Royal & Merciful Highness", The Mancunian replies. "My first wish is: I would like to have 40 lashes." "If you so desire", the Sheikh replies with a questioning look on his face. "and your second wish?" "Tie the Scouser to my back"

 


An elderly woman rushed up the stairs to the church, late for the wedding. An usher asked to see her invitation. "I don't have one," she said. "Well, then, are you a friend of the groom?" he asked. "I should say not!" snapped the woman. "I'm the bride's mother!"

 

 


The lovers had decided that a mutual parting of the ways was best for both of them. However, on the way to the airport a rather heated debate started as to whose fault their break-up was. At the crowded gate, she turned & said, "Thanks for nothing, you cheap bastard." As she went down the ramp with the other passengers, he shouted back "Hey baby. Don't be like that. If you ever work this town again, give me a call!"

 

 


Pearls of Wisdom

v The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

v I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"

v Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

v I got a sweater for Christmas...I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

v If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

v I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

v There are two sides to every divorce: Yours & the shit head's.

v If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!!

v I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

v I am a nobody, & nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

v I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

v Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?

v Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

v How come we choose from just two people to run for president & 50 for Miss America?

v Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

v Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

v Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mum's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

 

 


A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, & become a turkey farmer. He found a nice, used turkey farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next-door neighbour was also a turkey farmer. The neighbour came for a visit one day & said, "Turkey farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 turkeys." The new turkey farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbour stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 turkeys died." The neighbour said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my turkeys. I'll give you 100 more." Another two weeks went by, & the neighbour stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 turkeys died too." Astounded, the neighbour asked, "What did you do to them? What went wrong?" 'Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure. But I think I'm not planting them far enough apart."

 


A man went on a ski trip, & was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury. "Why is the injury not covered?" he asked. "You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, & we consider that a pre-existing condition."

 


Personal Ad Translations:

Independent Thinker . . . . . . . Crazy.

Free-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy & irresponsible.

Huggable . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.

Svelte . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anorexic.

Dynamic . . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy.

Unpredictable . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive & off medication.

Soulful . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive & quiet.

Uninhibited . . . . . . . . . . Lacking basic social skills.

Young at Heart . . . . . . . . . Over 40.

Youthful . . . . . . . . . . . . Over 50 & in major denial.

 


A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand & said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on & answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, & waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits & asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, & yells, "Jesus Christ!!, are you still in there !!"

 

You Thought Your Bar Bill Was High! (Evening Standard)

A businessman walked into a West End nightclub & bought drinks for every punter - a gesture of generosity which set him back more than £42,000. The man, who has requested not to be named, walked into Browns nightclub in Covent Garden just after midnight & asked for the DJ to turn the music down. He grabbed the microphone & declared to some 200 clubbers: "The drinks are on me." After three hours of exchanging high-fives with punters who crowded six deep at the bar, he left having signed a colossal drinks tab & adding on a £4,734.35 tip. When questioned about whether the story might just have been a PR stunt, club owner Richard Traviss said: "Absolutely not. We have yards of till receipts & electronic records. We also have the credit card receipt showing that one man paid for the lot. Unfortunately, he is adamant that he is not to be identified." Mr Traviss added: "He was a really genuine & nice man. Some people flash money about to impress. That wasn't the case with this one. He was going round making sure everyone had a good time. I've never seen anything like it." The German-born Spanish fruit importer toured the tables & dance floor taking drinks orders from scores of revellers. Till & credit card receipts show he spent £42,608.25. That included buying Mr Traviss 40 bottles of £250 Cristal champagne for his 30th birthday at a cost of £10,000; 49 bottles of £325 Cristal Rose for punters at a cost of £15,925; 20 bottles of £120 Bollinger champagne costing £2,400; 20 Baileys shots costing £140 & 20 Sambuca shots costing £140. The businessman is also known for similar generosity at the Pacha club in Ibiza & another club in Paris. One Browns reveller said: "No one could believe it at first. We thought this guy was joking."

 

Why doesn't this guy walk into my bar?

Look, A Shaggy Dog -- & An Old One At That!

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck: 2 Italian men & 1 Italian woman 2 French men & 1 French woman 2 German men & 1 German woman 2 Greek men & 1 Greek woman 2 English men & 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men & 1 Bulgarian woman 2 Japanese men & 1 Japanese woman 2 Chinese men & 1 Chinese woman 2 American men & 1 American woman 2 Irish men & 1 Irish woman One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men & the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other & the Greek woman is cleaning & cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, & started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo & are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, & have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand & palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion & treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving & how at least the taxes are low & it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

 

 

 

From The 'Strange But (Painfully) True Department Footballer bites team mate's penis (Reuters, 11/28)

- Sevilla's Francisco Gallardo has been charged by the Spanish soccer federation for biting team mate Jose Antonio Reyes' penis after he had scored in the club's 4-0 win over Valladolid at the weekend. Reyes was besieged by ecstatic teammates after scoring & Gallardo was seen to bend down & nibble at the goal scorer's genitalia in an unusual form of goal celebration, according to a report on Ananova.com. The midfielder could face a fine or suspension for his actions, which may deemed to be an infringement of what is described in the federation's rulebook as "sporting dignity & decorum". "I felt a bit of a pinch but I didn't realise what Gallardo had done until I saw the video," Reyes said. "The worst thing about it is the teasing I'm going to get from my team mates."

 

Military leaders succeed in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. They are assembled in front of the new machine & instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer & then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat? The computer hums away for an hour & then comes up with the answer: "YES". The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: "YES WHAT"? Instantly the computer responded: "YES SIR".

 


A bartender was washing the glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, & asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman then looked towards the end of the bar & said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool & asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar & asked if it was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser, who swaggered into the bar and yelled, "Barkeep', gis us a lager dere la! Hey, is dat God's Boy down dere?" The barkeeper nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman & touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up & danced a jig out of the door. Jesus went up & touched the Italian & said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian then felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head & did a flip out of the door. Jesus then walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back & exclaimed, "Don't you f**kin touch me! I'm on Disability!"

 

 

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day & age. The husband responded, "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions & my wife would make all the minor decisions. & in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

 


Ouch! Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation -- jacking off, wanking, spanking the monkey, & so on - there weren't any common terms for female masturbation. "I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women. "But that's just a feminisation of 'jacking off,'" said the first. "You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it." The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing *I* call it." "What's that?" "Finishing the job."

 

A Short History Of Medicine:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache." 2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root." 1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer." 1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion." 1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill." 1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic." 2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

 


A horny college kid borrowed his roommate's car, scraped together every penny he could find, picked up his date at her parent's house & took her to a nice restaurant for dinner. But he got more & more upset when she proceeded to order everything pricey on the menu: fancy mixed drinks, lobster, champagne, the works. Finally, he couldn't stay silent any more & blurted, "Does your mother feed you like this at home?" "Nope," she replied with a demure smile, "but my mom's not trying to get laid either."

 


I Hope You're Not Thinking About Lunch

A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. As they walk hand-in-hand, his lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests that she go behind a hedge. She nods in agreement & disappears behind the hedge. As he waits, he can hear the sound of tight nylon knickers rolling down voluptuous legs & imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage and touches her leg. He quickly moves his hand up her thigh until suddenly, & with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror, "My God, Mary, have you changed your sex!" "No," she replies, "I've changed my mind. I'm taking a shit instead."

 

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this: You're a Siamese twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder is gay and you're not. But you only have the one arse. Feel better?

 

"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce." "Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?" "I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first. "Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin." "It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago."

 


Once at the time of the world war, the Germans were looting all villages, of food, wine & women. Before they could enter one such village, the villagers decide to scoot, except for one young man, who had a 90-year-old grandmother. So the soldiers found the one occupied house & tore inside. "Bring us some food." The young man said " But I have only half a loaf of bread" "War is War, bring us the food" So he gives his last morsel of food. "Bring us some wine" "But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things are these days!" "War is War, bring us the wine" So the young man manages half a bottle & gives it to them. "Now, bring us a woman" "But everyone has left the village. The only female presence here is my 90 year old grandmother!!" "War is War, bring her to us" The old woman is brought & she's so frail & weak that the soldiers decide against it & say "We'll let you off this time'" Granny goes, "The hell you will, War is War!!"

 

Talking Of Old

Here is a riddle for the intellectually minded. At exactly the same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, the other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman. They are each thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?

 

Don't look down.

 


One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily. The next night the man & his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down & spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe & tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

 

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

 


Only 3 Weeks Till Christmas

Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man

A Christmas tree is always erect. Even small ones give satisfaction. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days & nights. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size. A Christmas tree has cute balls. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

 


A young lady went to the convent to become a nun. As she was sitting outside one day, studying, she overheard the language being used by some construction workers who were building a new playground for the orphanage. She became so upset, she ran into the mother superior's office, crying. The older nun tried to sooth her, saying, "Now dear child, don't be upset by this, they are just good, god fearing men, they simply call a spade, a spade". "No they don't...(sniff)...They call it a f*ckin' SHOVEL!!!"

 


Talking Of Sex v Making Coffee

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently, & firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. & then you put in the milk.

v Laying A Carpet

Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

v Hanging Wallpaper

Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, & stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back & admire your handiwork.

v Putting Up A Tent

Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip in to the old bag.

v Being In Therapy

And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, & then hand over all your money.

v Being In A Crash

Going to the brink of death & back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriageway, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

v Going Fishing

Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean & inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, & check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, & that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

 

What do you call a blind stag? No eye deer.

 


Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, & points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off & bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, & it was sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, & the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back & announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

 

Some Classic Tommy Cooper (a great, sadly deceased British Comedian) Quotes

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought "That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up & down, & people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, & this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, & said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up & down, don't they? The one I was in went back & forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. & the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, & the phone was ringing. I picked it up, & said 'Who's speaking please?' & a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. & there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"So I was in my car, & I was driving along, & my boss rang up, & he said 'You've been promoted.' & I swerved. & then he rang up a second time & said "You've been promoted again.' & I swerved again. He rang up a third time & said 'You're managing director.' & I went into a tree. And a policeman came up & said 'What happened to you?' & I said 'I careered off the road.'

 

What's the difference between Mick Jagger & a Fererro Roche? Once covered in knobbly bits & looks like a mouldy old bollock, And the other is a chocolate confection.

 

One For All The Married Guys

"Here's a bonehead error that guys often commit in guest bathrooms: They see soap on a soap dish, & they use it to wash their hands. This of course ruins the guest soap, which is defined as "soap that guests are not supposed to use." Its purpose is to match the guest towels." -Dave Berry

 


A mother & her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother & said, "If big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."

 


A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, & neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules & pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

 

Hope You Like Antiques

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc. Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin, caused by corporate down sizing & it's effects on a 50-year-old executive. Non pulsed she loaded him into her car & drove down to the local hospital. Pointing to the fine structure she informed him that he owned the land it was built on & that they paid him $6000 per month rent. She handed him a bankbook showing deposits & interest for 12 years totalling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars & informed him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, & this was the result of her investments. By now he was distraught & beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the seemingly disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business."

 

You Know You Need A New Car When....

=> You pull over to let a fire truck go by, & it stops behind you.

=> You have to go to a repair centre every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.

=> You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, & get accused of stealing.

=> The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk."

=> You return to your car & find someone broke in & left a hundred dollars & a new stereo.

=> Evel Kneivel refuses a free lift.

=> The valet puts on a crash helmet & full-body armour before parking your car.

=> The car is so full of rust, that it's only the paint that is holding everything together.

=> The only reason you use the rear windscreen heater is to keep your hands warm while you push the car home.

=> The exhaust pipe is so full of holes that it can be played like a piccolo

 


A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10-speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300." "Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking." "Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth." "That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill & tell me to take a hike!"

 

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said. "I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained." The contractor said. "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

 


Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said. "What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door.



A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" The cousin smirked & replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."

 

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves... "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" "No", she said. Well", spoofed the dentist, "down in Mexico they have this big vat set up with a large tank of latex, & the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, & then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up & dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves & throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' & start the process all over again." The old woman just sat there & didn't laugh a bit! Five minutes later, during the procedure, the dentist had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed & exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms.

 


A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar & ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy." The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp. "Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn." Patiently, the bartender came near her & said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, & what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, & finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray."

 

John sat glumly all evening eyeing his wife suspiciously. Finally, he blurted, "Linda, admit it. You've been sucking off the dog!" "What?!" she shouted. "How can you say such a thing?" "I've been watching you two, Herb answered, every time you yawn, he gets a hard-on!"

 

John Howard the Australian Prime Minister, flies to England for a meeting with the Queen. Over a cup of tea, Howard brings up his grand new plans for his country. "Your Majesty, mate, can we turn Australia into a kingdom, in order to increase its force in the world market?" The Queen shakes her head & replies, "One needs a king for a kingdom, Mr Howard & unfortunately you are most certainly not a king." Not to be dissuaded, Johnny asks, "Would it be possible just to transform Australia into an empire then?" "No, you chubby-faced chap," snorts the Queen, "for an empire you need an emperor, & you are most certainly not an emperor." Howard thinks for a moment & then asks if it is possible to turn Australia into a principality. The Queen replies, "For a principality, you need a prince, & you Mr Howard are definitely not a prince." Pausing for a sip of her tea, Her Majesty then adds: "I don't mean to appear rude but having met both you & several other Australians, I think Australia is perfectly suited as a country."

 


Ouch! A German visiting London asks a hooker for a shag & she tells him it's twenty quid. "Fine" he says, "but I'm a bit kinky". She agrees that this is OK as long as he doesn't do anything violent. They get back to her flat & he gets out four big springs attached to some straps. "I want you to put one of these on each elbow & one on each knee" he asks. The hooker is worried that she's getting into something a bit heavy, but she goes along with his request. Then she is told to get down on all fours, naked, in front of him, which she does grudgingly. Then he asks her to start bouncing up & down on the springs & finally he takes a duck call whistle from his pocket. "Blow on this while I'm shagging you" he tells her. So he's banging away while she's bouncing on the springs blowing the duck whistle. Suddenly she starts to enjoy the shagging, so much so in fact that she experiences the most fantastic orgasm she's ever had. After they've finished she says... "Wow, that was the most fantastic sex I've had in 25 years on the game, how the hell did you make it so good?" "Ah," he replies, smiling...... ......."Foursprung Duck Technique".

 

Could It Be Hereditary?

"I understand that the unrest in the Middle East creates unrest throughout the region." -- President GW Bush "I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them." -- his dad.

 


One for the next Hens Night

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am

I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts & Spam

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections

I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions

I don't get wasted at parties & act like a clown &

I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt

my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut

& I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch

or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch

I don't belch in public,

I don't scratch my behind

I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman,

I'm so glad I could sing

I don't have body hair like shag carpeting

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back

When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack

& what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb

I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

& I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs & squat when I pee

I don't live to play golf & shoot basketball

I don't swagger & spit like a Neanderthal

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand

stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band

or tell you a story to make you sigh & weep then screw you, roll over & fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see

you can forget all about that old penis envy

I don't long for male bonding,

I don't cruise for chicks

join the Hair Club For Men,

or think with my dick

I'm a woman by chance & I'm thankful it's true

I'm so glad I'm a woman & not a man like you!

 


Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon. As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the nuns a little nervous. She leans over to the other & says, "You know, I've never come this way before." The other nun replies, "It's the cobblestones."

 

Billy H.: Hey John, if you got drunk one night & woke up the next morning in the middle of nowhere with your pants down around your ankles & a used condom hanging out of your ass, would you tell anyone?

John G.: No way.

Billy H.: Want to go camping?

 

If You Thought That Was Old

When America was being settled, a group of people headed west in a wagon train. When in the foothills of the West, their inexperienced leader soon became lost. They were getting desperate when they came over a hill & saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to the old Jewish man & said, "We're lost & running out of food. Can you help us?" The old Jewish man said, "Mister, somevon told me something like dis. If you go up de hill und down de other side, I herd del be a big bacon tree." "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon tree leader. "Yeh, I vas told about ah bacon tree. " The leader goes back & tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge, so the wagon train goes up the hill & down the other side. Suddenly, a large band of Indians appear, attacks them & massacres everyone except the leader, who manages to escape back to the other side & the old Jewish man, who's enjoying a "glesseleh tea." The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no "bacon" tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed & scalped everyone in sight." The old Jewish man holds up his hand & says "Vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary & begins thumbing through it. "Oy Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake." "I vuzn't told about a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!"

 

Flasher Arrested On Train

KAWASAKI - Police said Tuesday they arrested a 46-year-old Economy, Trade & Industry Ministry (METI) official on Monday night on suspicion of exposing himself to three women on a JR train. Gives a whole new meaning to 'Government disclosure'!

 

Some More Unusual Airline Announcements

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies & gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude & will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort & to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

>From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, & pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, & pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child pick your favourite.

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom & said, "That was quite a bump, & I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, & give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

 

Please Do Not Try At Home

A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed - she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn't been in the shed that day. He looked himself, & there were people in the shed, stealing things. He rang the police, but they told him that no one was in his area, so no one was available to catch the thieves. He said OK, hung up, counted to 30 & rang the police again. "Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot them all." Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policeman said to this man: "I thought you said you'd shot them!" He replied, "I thought you said there were no cops available!"

 

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves... "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" "No", she said. Well", spoofed the dentist, "down in Mexico they have this big vat set up with a large tank of latex, & the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, & then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up & dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves & throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' & start the process all over again." The old woman just sat there & didn't laugh a bit! Five minutes later, during the procedure, the dentist had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed & exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms.

 

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar & ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy." The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp. "Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn." Patiently, the bartender came near her & said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, & what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, & finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray."

 

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