JOKE GALLERY 3:
WARNING: Some of these jokes will be offensive to some and humorous to others. Please review at your own risk.
Home Truths, Rugby Style
Three rugby fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped & discovered a nude female, dead drunk. Out of respect & propriety, the Springbok fan took off his cap & placed it over her right breast. The All Black fan took of his cap & placed it over her left breast. Following their lead the Australian fan took off his cap & placed it over her crutch. The police were called & when the officer arrived he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Springbok cap, replaced it, & wrote down some notes.. Next he lifted the All Black cap replaced it, & wrote down some notes. The officer then lifted the Australian cap, replaced it then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time & replaced it one last time. The Australian fan was getting upset & finally asked "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting & looking?" "Well," said the officer "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under an Australian hat I find an arsehole."
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room & sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip & leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car & asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago.". "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room & goes across the hall into Bob's room. The nurse finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
An elderly South African widow has complained for years about her electricity meter "spinning like a top", even when she was not using any power in her home. Her complaints were ignored until it was found that three streetlights outside her flat had been connected to her power supply.
Diary of an Inexperienced Chilli Taster Notes From An Inexperienced Chilli Tester Named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment & I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, & besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILLI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILLI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILLI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILLI JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILLI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN
CHILLI JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
CHILLI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 pounder is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
CHILLI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE:Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead & I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted & four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them!
CHILLI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice & peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, & garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted & I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
CHILLI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILLI JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, & wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, & the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Things That Women Should Understand....
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he/she finishes college. á
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Q: My wife is five months pregnant & so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel & act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Now Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, & eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand
1. OTHER WOMEN
A young boy battered by his parents sits in court. The judge asks the boy whose parents are about to divorce: - Do you want to live with your father? - No, he beats me. - Do you want to live with your mother? - No, she beats me. - Who do you want to live with then? - With the French soccer team, because they don't beat anybody!
The President of the United States, George W. Bush, has asked that all Americans & Canadians unite together in a common cause to root out terrorists hiding in our community. Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity & consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not one's wife, on Saturday afternoon at 2:00 p.m. EST, all North American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this antiterrorist effort. All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of your house to prove that you think it's OK to see other women nude. (Since they do not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.) The United States of America appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists & applauds your efforts. Please by all means, send this to your fellow Patriots to ensure 100% participation.
Football Is Such An Intellectual Game á
'My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.' David Beckham á
'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.' Mark Viduka á
'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.' Neville Southall á
'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable.' Paul Gascoigne á
'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, & hopefully after that as well.' Alan Shearer á
'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.' Mark Draper á
'You've got to believe that you're going to win, & I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows & we're knocked out.' Peter Shilton á
'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.' Stan Collymore á
'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.' Ade Akinbiyi á
'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.' Ian Wright á
'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.' Ugo Ehiogu á
'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.' Stuart Pearce á
'I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.' Lee Hendrie á
'I always used to put my right boot on first, & then obviously my right sock.' Barry Venison á
'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.' David Beckham á
'All that remains is for a few dots & commas to be crossed.' Mitchell Thomas á
'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.' Alan Shearer á
'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.' Johnny Giles á
'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.' Thierry Henry á
'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.' Les Ferdinand
Think about It!
á The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
á I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
á I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"
á If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
á I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
á There are two sides to every divorce: Yours & the shithead's.
á I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
á Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
á I am a nobody, & nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
á I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
á Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.
á Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!
á How come we choose from just two people to run for president & 50 for Miss America?
á Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
á Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
á Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
Readers of New York magazine were asked to invent country-song titles. Here are some entries: á
"I Lost My Honey Bunny on a Bad Hare Day"
á "Ain't No Trash Been in My Trailer Since the Night I Threw You Out"
á "You Want to Get Hitched, but My Heart Is Filled With Whoa"
á "Baked My Sweetie a Pie, but He Left With a Tart"
á "She Chews Tobacco, But She Won't Choose Me"
á "The Peach I Picked in Georgia Didn't Cling to Me for Long"
á "Don't Want The Floozy in My Jacuzzi"
á "I Found the Recipe for Heartbreak in a Cookbook on Your Shelf"
á "Now That We're Miserable, I Hope You're Happy"
This Marine drill instructor, completely frazzled by the ineptitude of his recruits, burst into a blue streak of swearing hot enough to blister paint. He broke off suddenly when he noticed one of the recruits had been talking in ranks. "WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID, RECRUIT??" the drill sergeant hollered. In a quivering voice, the recruit replied, "I said, to myself,, Drill Sergeant Sir, 'if that sucker thinks I'm going to stand here & take his crap . . . well, he's certainly an uncanny judge of character."
During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying until she glanced at my grandparents. My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair & gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing. After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother & told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst. "Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking to see if he was still alive."
30 Things One Should Never Say During Sex"
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
I've never done this to a woman before.
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
Got any penicillin?
I want a baby!
When is this supposed to feel good?
You're good enough to do this for a living!
Did I remember to take my pill?
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
You're almost as good as my ex!
You look younger than you feel.
Perhaps you're just out of practice.
Now I know why he/she dumped you...
Have you ever considered liposuction?
And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
Did you come yet?
When would you like to meet my parents?
Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
Long kisses clog my sinuses...
How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
You mean you're NOT my blind date?
Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them. Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!" Mary Elizabeth turns and says, "Mine does..."
Excuses NOT To Have Sex.
1) I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister.
2) We're out of paper bags for your head again.
3) You haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd feel I was making love to Big Foot.
4) You're 20 bucks short.
5) We're out of gin again.
6) I used my last sponge for the dishes.
7) Sorry, this isn't a conjugal visit.
8) I can't tonight, honey, I spent myself earlier today watching all those pornos.
9) Only if you put on this wig and talk like a Chinese hooker.
10) Your gynaecologist just called - you still have crabs and you know how I don't like seafood.
Not That I've Got Sex On The Brain But . . .
The RIGHT (R) and WRONG (W) things to say to a man after sex: á
R: You're the one
W: Next. á
R: You really know how to satisfy a woman.
W: What the hell was that? Do you have to catch a plane or something? á
R: You're the best I've ever had.
W: You're almost as good as my cousin Earl. á
R: What colour are your eyes?
W: What colour do you want to paint the baby's room?
R: You make me forget my problems.
W: You make me forget I'm just 15. á
R: I think we should go away for the weekend.
W: I think we should go to the clinic. á
R: I love you.
W: I love you.
A tactic to use the next time you are overcharged for a hotel room?!
The Hotel Bill
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic- sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them", the man complains. "Well, they were here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
Amendments to Murphy's Law
á Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
á Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
á I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
á When the chips are all down, the buffalo is empty.
á Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
á Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
á Honk if you love peace & quiet.
á Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
á Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
á It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try & pass them.
á You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
á If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
á Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
á Shin: A device for finding furniture.
á A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
á Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
á I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
á When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
á Light travels faster than sound...This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
So the French Thought They Could Sneak Away? WRONG!
á What's the difference between a Wonderbra & France? A Wonderbra has decent support & a cup.
á What's the difference between France & Grimsby Fishermen? Grimsby fisherman score quite regularly & know where the back of the net is.
á What's the difference between a mini & Barthez's goal? You can only fit 2 comfortably in the back of a mini.
á What's the difference between a new student & the French? After two weeks a student has managed to score at least once.
á What's the most expensive ticket on the black market in Japan? The next flight from Tokyo the Charles de Gaulle.
á What's the difference between France's & China's world cup campaign? 3 days.
á What's the difference between France's World Cup campaign & Garlic? Garlic has influence & tends to linger.
á What's the difference between French Football & the Euro? The whole of Europe is united in its view on French Football.
Ah, So True!
A man goes to the doctor & says "Doc, you gotta help me!" The doctor asks, "What's your problem?" The guy says every morning I wake up with my "morning flagpole"... I give the missus a quick one, & then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool with the next-door neighbour's wife who gives me a blowjob during the ride to work. Once I get there, I do some work & then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room & crank one out with one of the young office girls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel & give her a good bonking. For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing. Then, I go home & slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the missus another screw...... "So...????" asked the doctor. "What's your problem???" The guy says "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"
Obviously Written By A Married Guy . . . There were three friends that always wanted to play golf every Saturday afternoon but couldn't because of their wives, so one day after many years they finally got together on the golf course & were waiting at the first tee when one guy said, "I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!" The second said, "That's nothing I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!" The third said, "Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn't have to buy my wife nothing!!!" They both look at him & asked how he managed that! The smartest of the three said, "It was easy, when I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye & asked, "Golf course or Intercourse?" She threw me a sweater & said, "Take this, it might get chilly out there!"
Government Health Warning -- The Hazards Of Eating Bread
á More than 98% of convicted criminals are bread users
á Half of all children who grow up in bread consuming households score below average on standardised tests.
á In the 18th Century, when almost all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth & diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever & influenza ravaged whole nations.
á More than 90 % of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
á Primitive tribal societies which eat no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's disease, Parkinson's disease or osteoporosis.
á Bread has been shown to absorb water. Because the human body is 90% water, there is the possibility that ingesting bread could lead to the body being progressively being absorbed by this substance.
á Newborn babies could choke on bread.
á Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact & meaningless statistical babble.
I Know Its Old But It's Still Good!
Before you order a drink in public, you should read this! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
Drink: Beer Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her caba boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel) Personality: Conservative & classy; sophisticated yet giggles. Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel & spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy & sophisticated, actually she has NO clue. Possibly lives in a trailer. Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is ... this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots Personality: Likes to hang in bars WAY too often, looking to get totally drunk...red flag for identifying bar flies & raging alcoholics. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad.
Drink: Tequila No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
THEN, there is the MALE addendum ---- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple & clear cut::
Domestic Beer: He's poor & wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer & wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the super-model at the end of the bar.
White Zinfandel: He's gay.
A flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors & unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground! The pilot feverishly worked his controls, & finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground! As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate & were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew got off the plane & the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds. As the official & the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight. "Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. 'Those were Texans with all the shit scared out of them!"
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a beach & picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle & with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden. The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, & said "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it & be off with you !" The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" & disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, & Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance. God is good.
An elderly man goes into a brothel & tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man & asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"
Sickies But Quickies
Q : What is the definition of confidence? A : When your wife catches you in bed with another woman & you slap her on the arse & say "you're next".
Q : What's the difference between a bitch & a whore? A : A whore sleeps with everyone at a party, a bitch sleeps with everyone at a party except you.
Q : What 3 words do you dread most while making love? A : "Honey, I'm home".
Q : What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A : Wiped his arse.
Q : What did the gynaecologist & the pizza deliveryman have in common? A : They both get to smell the goods but neither one can eat it.
Q : How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? A : The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q : What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? A : Full.
Q : Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken? A : By the time you've finished with the breasts & thighs all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q : Why does Mexico have no Olympic team? A : Because everyone who can run, jump & swim is already in the US.
Q : What's the difference between getting a divorce & getting circumcised? A : With a divorce you get rid of the whole prick.
Q : When is a pixie not a pixie? A : When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin
Q : How can you tell if a valentine's card is from a leper? A : The tongue's still in the envelope.
Q : Why do blondes have more fun? A : They are easier to keep amused.
Q : Why did God invent alcohol? A : So ugly people can get laid.
Q : How do you get 3 little old ladies to say "fuck"? A : Get a 4th little old lady to shout "Bingo".
Q : Why did God invent women? A : Because sheep can't get beer out of the fridge.
Q : What's the difference between a woman from Milton Keynes & a walrus? A : One's got a moustache & smells of fish & the other lives in the sea.
Q : How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb? A : None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled 'coping with darkness.'
Q : How do you make a dog drink? A : Put it in a liquidizer.
Q : What do you do if your boiler explodes? A : Buy it some flowers.
Q : What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the 2nd date? A : Patient.
Q : How can you tell soap operas are fictional? A : In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
Q : Why do bachelors like smart women? A : Opposites attract.
Q : Why do Italians grow moustaches? A : So they can look like their mothers.
Q : Why do men take showers instead of baths? A : Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q : Did you hear about the new shade of paint called blonde? A : It's not very bright but it spreads easily.
Q : Why do women have foreheads? A : So you have some place to kiss them after they give you a blowjob.
Q : Why do men pay more than women for car insurance? A : Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
Doctors & Guns Number of physicians in the US : 700,000 Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000 Accidental deaths per physician: 0.171 Number of gun owners in US: 80,000,000 Number of accidental gun deaths per year: 1,500 (all age groups) Accidental gun deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188 Statistically doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners FACT: not everyone has a gun but everyone has at least one doctor
This One is Worth Thinking About
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, & you see three people waiting for the bus: á An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. á An old friend who once saved your life. á The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, & thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, & this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. WHAT DID HE SAY? He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, & let him take the old lady to the hospital. I would stay behind & wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box"
Jesus & Moses are hanging out one afternoon by a lake, reminiscing about the good ol' (testament) days. Moses walks over to the water's edge, gestures with his arms & shout "part!" As the water rolls back in on itself, creating a path across the lake Moses turns to Jesus & says, "Hey, I still got!" He walks back toward Jesus, with the waters settling back into place behind him. Not to be out done, Jesus proceeds to the water's edge then starts stepping out across the water, but almost immediately sinks. Perplexed, he returns to dry ground. Moses suggests he try it again, after all, why should the Son of God lose his ability to walk on water. Jesus tries several more times, each ending in wet, angry failure. Finally he returns to Moses & flops down on the ground next to him. After several moments of silently watching Jesus fuming & muttering to himself, Moses works up the courage & asks "Wait a second...did you ALWAYS have those holes in your feet?"
A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes buy & asks if he's O.K. The drunk replies by asking, "Do you know who I am?" The stranger says "No. Who are you?" The drunk proudly says, "I'm Jesus Christ... & I can prove it! Come with me!" They enter the bar & the bartender looks up & yells "Jesus Christ! Are you here again?"
(I Know It's Old But It's Appropriate!) There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin & his mother was.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.
A penny-pinching old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought & consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank & withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic & leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out & grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife had gone up in the attic to clean. Coming upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash she exclaimed, "Oh, that darned old fool, I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
wo trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied . . .
A man asked his wife, "if you could have anything in the world for one day, |what would you want?" "I'd love to be eight again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright & early & off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling & her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries & a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola & M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure. Finally she wobbled home with her husband & collapsed into bed. He leaned over & lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being eight again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks & a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
Some Thoughts On Marriage
I'm the man of the house. I always have the final word... "Yes, Dear."
Many a man owes his success to his first wife & his second wife to his success.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
Marriage is when a man & woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
I've sometimes thought of marrying, & then I've thought again
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder & lightning.
She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one.
Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancŽe Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.
Eighty% of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe
Jackie Mason I had some words with my wife, & she had some paragraphs with me.
After marriage, husband & wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
"If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married."
Behind every successful man stands a proud wife & an amazed Mother-in-law!!
"I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's fifth husband. I have a lot of experience, but I don't know what is expected of me this time." Zsa Zsa's sixth husband "I was married by a judge...I should have asked for a jury."
What Kind Of Cake Are You Having?
Christmas Cakes Too Tough For Machine-Gun Fire (Reuters, 12/20)
- Drop it from a tall building? Hardly a scratch. Shoot it with a submachine gun? It survives. But run it over with a sport utility vehicle or kick it like a football & it crumbles, according to a just published investigation into that evergreen Christmas question: How can you get rid of the fruitcake? The Reno Gazette-Journal, in an effort to rid its readers' homes of the unloved seasonal treat, mounted a series of experiments to determine the best way to destroy a gift "nearly everyone receives & few actually want." "The SUV was what did them in most definitively," Camille Hayes, the Gazette-Journal reporter who organised the fruitcake survival test, said on Thursday. Hayes marshalled several aides and, using store-bought fruitcakes, organised the punishment. The first test involved dropping fruitcakes from the roof of a two-story house onto a concrete basketball court. "In the moments before it was let fly, our team wondered if the fruitcake would shatter, bounce or remain intact. The answer was none of the above," Hayes recounted. Instead, the cake survived the drop relatively unscathed, exhibiting only a few "fissures" in its dense body. The second test involved running over a fruitcake with a 3,000-pound (1,360 kg) sport utility vehicle. This proved to be more effective, leaving a "tire-marked, raisin-flecked smear on the asphalt," Hayes wrote. A third test, submitting the fruitcake to the power of a football place kicker, was also gratifying, resulting in an explosion of candied fruit as the fruitcake disintegrated. Strangely, a uniquely Nevada-style solution to the fruitcake problem -- shooting them with submachine guns -- proved disappointing, Hayes said. "Nevada is a state in which machine guns are legal to own & operate, so I thought it would be a treat to see what one did," Hayes said. Not much, as it turned out. Pummelling a pair of target fruitcakes with two M-11 fully automatic submachine guns resulted in only minor damage, Hayes reported. "The larger cake proved especially resilient. Rather than shattering it into the smithereens we had expected, the volley of bullets merely nibbled at its edges. & as for the dark centre of the beast, it proved too dense to lose its shape." Hayes said her fruitcake demolition campaign had garnered largely favourable reviews from the readers of the Reno Gazette, & that she might try again next year with some more ambitious strategies -- like dropping fruitcakes from a helicopter.
A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervour. "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it & throw it into the river." The congregation cried, "Amen!" "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it & throw it in the river." The congregation cried, "Amen!" "And if I had all the whiskey & demon rum in the world, I'd take it all & throw it in the river." And the congregation cried, "Amen!" The preacher sat down. The deacon stood up. "For our closing hymn," he announced, "let us turn to page 126 & sing, 'We shall gather at the river'."
Black & White
Dear White Fellah,
Copula things you ought to know. When I am born I'm black When I grow up I'm black When I get sick I'm black When I got out in the sun I'm black When I'm cold, I'm black When I get scared, I'm black When I die, I'm still black But You My White Fellah When you born, you pink When you grow up you white When you get sick, you green When you go out in the sun, you go red When you get cold, you go blue When you get scared, you yellow When you die, you go purple. And You Got The Cheek To Call Me Coloured!!!
A tourist in a strange town notices that her wristwatch is broken. She starts looking for a repair shop. After a long & frustrating search she finds herself in an area where many shop signs are in Hebrew. Finally, she notices that one of the stores has all kinds of clocks & wristwatches displayed merrily in the window. She walks into the shop & puts her wristwatch on the counter in front of the proprietor. Tourist: "Would you please fix my wristwatch? "Madam, I do not repair clocks or wristwatches. I am a Moel, I perform circumcisions." Puzzled, she asks, "Then why on earth do you have all these clocks & wristwatches in your window?" "Well, what should I have in my window?"
Potatoes You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr.. and Mrs.. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'. Of course, they wanted the best for Yam and when it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato', and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr.. and Mrs.. Potato told Yam to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.' Mr.. and Mrs.. Potato sent Yam to Idaho PU (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr.. and Mrs.. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just... Are you ready for this? A Common Tater
his sort of thing might spoil one's holiday!
Santa Shoots Woman (Reuters, 12/18)
- A man in a Santa suit set aside his bag of gifts, drew a gun from his trademark black belt & shot a woman on a Sao Paulo street, wounding her in the wrist & face. The unidentified Santa was handing out candy to motorists stopped at a traffic light when he yanked the draw strings on his bag of sweets, pulled a revolver from his belt & fired at a woman who was entering her car parked nearby, said a spokesman at the Sao Paulo police department. "The woman was wounded in her wrist & face but was not seriously hurt," said the spokeswoman. She said the incident did not appear to be a botched robbery but gave no other explanation for the shooting. A witness helped police artists draw up a composite sketch of the shooter Santa after she saw him with his beard, red suit & gloves removed. Those items, along with the gun, were recovered by police. Local media reported the woman was involved in a paternity suit & said police were investigating the crime as a possible act of retaliation.
Another From The Strange But (Only In Japan) True
Department Japanese police arrest "God of Garbage" (Reuters, 12/21) - A Japanese sanitation worker known as the "God of Garbage" was arrested by police this week for threatening a bar owner at knifepoint because he refused to separate his trash, the Mainichi Daily news reported. Mizuo Tamura, 55, a manager in the environmental section in the Kajiki municipal government, was arrested for breaking Japan's Firearms & Swords Control Law early on Thursday, the newspaper said in its online edition. "(The bar owner) wasn't separating his rubbish properly," Tamura told police in Kagoshima on the southern island of Kyushu. Japan has rigid rules for separating different types of trash, including food refuse, general waste, business waste & bottles & cans. The newspaper said Tamura oversaw the town's garbage collection & had been arrested several times in the past for trying to enforce the rules in an over-enthusiastic way. "He's so keen on his work, everybody refers to him as the 'God of Garbage'," his boss was quoted by the newspaper as saying.
As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlour the family discusses funeral arrangements. Son Gary says, "We'll make a real big thing out of it. We'll have five hundred people. We'll order fifty limos." Daughter Grace says, "Why do you want to waste money like that? We'll have the family & maybe a few friends. One limo just for us." They proceed. Grandson Jeff says, "We'll have lots of flowers. We'll surround him with dozens of roses & lilies, dozens & dozens." Daughter Alice says, "What a waste! We'll have one little bouquet, that's enough." Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the bedroom, "Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk to the cemetery."
The soldier serving overseas & far from home was annoyed & upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement & asking for her photograph back. He went out & collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together & sent them to her with a note stating the following: "Regret can not remember which one is you ... please keep your photo & return the others."
Jump to Gallery 4