JOKE GALLERY 2:
WARNING: Some of these jokes will be offensive to some and humorous to others. Please review at your own risk.
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up & with her eyes closed, both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned & walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, & she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, & Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, & had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked & Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, & the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough & thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered & tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed & came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde
A Few Quickies
‡ If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
‡ I was born intelligent - education ruined me
‡ A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say..........
‡ Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect...... so why practice?
‡ Money is not everything. There's MasterCard & Visa.
‡ One should love animals. They are so tasty.
‡ Love thy neighbour. But don't get caught.
‡ Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
‡ Children in backseats cause accidents; Accidents in backseats cause children
‡ "Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep
‡ There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning
‡ When two's company, three's the result !
‡ A dress is like a barbed fence It protects the premises without restricting the view
‡ The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget The more you forget, the less you know So.. why learn!
Ever Had One Of Those Days Sections
Triple trouble for traffic chief Cape Town - Accidents tend to happen in threes & nobody is exempt. This saying came true for Vredenburg's traffic chief at the weekend when not only was he involved in a crash, but he also bit through his tongue & shot himself in the foot - literally. Vredenburg mayor Ignus Bester said of Japie Julies's rough weekend: "Traffic officers are never popular, but one would not wish this on one's worst enemies." Bester says Julies was off duty early on Friday night when he was involved in a collision with a car in High Street. On impact, he bit through his tongue & his service pistol, carried in a holster on his hip, fell out & went off, grazing him in the foot. Bester confirmed that Julies was on sick leave. "I saw him on Saturday morning - the poor man can hardly talk, let alone walk."
A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his truck. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, then knocks on the door. There's no answer, so he knocks again. Eventually a Japanese bloke answers... "Harro", says the jappy chappy. "Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman "I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed. Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles & says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?" "I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man "Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your Wheely Bin?" "OK OK" , says the Japanese bloke, "I wheely bin having wank"
An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly. To show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game: "The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2002 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."
Ex-Mounties Guilty of Assault with Fruit, Veggies WINNIPEG, Manitoba (Reuters) - Two former members of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police have been convicted of assault with a weapon after attacking Winnipeg city police officers with fruit & vegetables. The two retired Mounties, who are brothers, were sentenced on Tuesday to two months in jail. "The two of you are a disgrace to every RCMP officer in Canada & to every peace officer in Canada," Manitoba Judge, Arnold Connor, was quoted as telling David Dauphinee, 52, & Daniel Dauphinee, 51, by newspapers that attended the trial. The produce assault took place in June, when police arrived at a downtown Winnipeg apartment building to investigate an unrelated break-in. When the Dauphinee duo, who were visiting a 19th-floor suite in the same building, spotted police on the street below, they began hurling oranges at them. They reloaded with apples & cooking onions. The Winnipeg police officers testified that they feared for their safety when the oranges & onions started exploding around them. When they arrived at the door of the suite, the recently retired Mounties, said be in a drunken stupor, hopped into bed & pretended to be asleep. They tried to blame David Dauphinee's then-girlfriend, Diane Bartlett, for the fruit & vegetable barrage, but a physiotherapist testified she was too petite to throw the oranges & onions that far. At the trial, Bartlett referred to the brothers as "Dumb & Dumber" & "the Gruesome Two-some."
I said to my office colleague "Man, your new girlfriend sure is big & ugly." And he says "So is my dick, but that doesn't stop me from having a good time with it."
Question: If you could live forever, would you & why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.. We are the president," --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"Half this game is ninety% mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air & water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" --George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause & ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.." --Al Gore, when VP
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed & it will monitor their heart throughout the night. & the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman ...
Feeling smarter yet?
Sad But True
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau has an apartment overlooking the Western Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall, & introduces herself to the old man. She asks, "You come every day to the Wall. Sir, how long have you done that & what are you praying for?" The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace & for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea, & I come back & pray for the eradication of illness & disease from the earth. & very, very important, I pray for peace & understanding between the Israelis & Palestinians." The journalist is very impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years & pray for these wonderful things?" she asks. The old man replies, calmly, "It's like I'm talking to a f***ing wall."
20 Things Moms Would Probably Never Say:
1.. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
2.. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."
3.. "Just leave all the lights on ... we have extra money this month for the bill."
4.. "Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, that's good for another week."
5.. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me!"
6.. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for - give or take three or four hours."
7.. "I don't have a tissue with me... just wipe your nose on your sleeve."
8.. "Don't bother wearing a jacket. The wind chill is bound to improve."
9.. "Sure you can go joyriding with Evan. He's only had one major accident."
10.. "Don't bother cleaning your room, I bought a second set of dishes."
11.. "14 is too late to start dating...you need to experience a steady relationship when you're still young."
12.. "Just push that under the bed, you can always clean it up later."
13.. "Wow, maybe I should pierce my nose & navel too!"
14.. "Chocolate before dinner? Sure & have a Coke to wash it down."
15.. "Why are you taking a bath again? You took one last week.
16.. "Don't worry about totalling the car son. Our insurance will cover it."
17.. "That's the best you can do? I belched louder than that when I was seven."
18.. "Let's have a farting contest."
19.. "Just wipe your greasy hands on the dog."
20.. "No you can't take a bath this week!"
& What Mum REALLY Wants On Mothers Day
* To be able to eat a whole candy bar by myself.
* To have my 14 year old answer a question without rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way.
* Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.
* A full-time cleaning person, who looks like Brad Pitt.
* For my teenager to announce, "Hey, Mom! I got a full Scholarship & a job all in the same day!"
* A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.
(Believe it or not, I did adapt this to make it closer to the truth!)
In the beginning God created day & night. He created day for rugby, going to the beach & braais. He created night for going screwing, sleeping & braais. God saw that it was good. Evening came & morning came & it was the Second Day.
On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming & braais on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came & morning came & it was the Third Day.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt & yeast for beer & wood for braais. God saw that it was good. Evening came & morning came & it was the Fourth Day.
On the Fourth Day God created animals & crustaceans for chops, boerewors, steak & prawns for braais. God saw that it was good. Evening came & morning came & it was the Fifth Day.
On the Fifth Day God created a man - to go to rugby, enjoy the beach, drink the beer & eat the meat & prawns at braais. God saw that it was good. Evening came & morning came & it was the Sixth Day.
On the Sixth Day God saw that this man was lonely & needed someone to go to the rugby, drink beer, eat & stand around the braai with. So God created pals, & God saw that they were good. God saw that it was good. Evening came & morning came & it was the Seventh Day.
On the Seventh Day God saw that the men were tired & needed a rest. So God created women- to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook & pick up the empties. Evening came & it was the end of the Seventh day. God sighed, looked around at the twinkling braais, heard the hiss of opening beer cans & the raucous laughter of all the men & cherries, smelled the aroma of boerewors & sizzling prawns, & God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that ............. it was South Africa!
... Wait for it, wait for it
.... "She sells C cells down by the sea shore."
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Do you believe in love at first sight...or should I walk by you again?
If the shoe fits...buy it in every colour.
If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Junk is something you've kept for years & throw away three weeks before you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
The note read: The Tent Pole Is Up, The Canvas Is Spread, The Hell With Breakfast, Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note & then asked her son to "Bring this to your silly Daddy."
The note read: Take The Tent Pole Down, Put The Canvas Away, The Monkey Had A Haemorrhage, No Circus Today.
John read the note & quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to "The lady in the kitchen".
The note read: The Tent Pole's Still Up, & The Canvas Still Spread, So Drop What You're Doing, & Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note & then asked her son to "Take this to the poor man upstairs".
The note read: I'm Sure That Your Pole's The Best In The Land. But I'm Busy Right Now, So Do It By Hand!
USMC Best Joke of the Year
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The old cowboy
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Moose Jaw, Wyoming for a shave and
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest
Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they can.
A friend went to Beijing and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is
Our representative will make you wait at the airport.
Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Silvio, 'and that's why I'm in such
"Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to
'Who said my Father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still
'He's 100 years old,' says Silvio. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning,
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
'Who said my Nonno's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your
'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went
'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would
'Who said he wanted to?"
*A man received the following text from his neighbor:*
I am so sorry, Charlie. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
Charlie, feeling anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn 'spell-check '...I meant your 'wi-fi', Charlie ... not your 'wife'.
Subject: Silence in Court
These have been around before in one form or another.
>Â These are from a book calledÂ Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published bycourt reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
>When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10
>The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
>Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The
>The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says,
>The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
>The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
Subject: FW: HOW YA DOIN'?
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another manand then my dog bit me."
"So . . . I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!....
But hell . . . enough about me . . . how ya doin?